Monday, April 28, 2008
Anyway, I thought I would put it out there for you to vote on. I am not sure how to put a vote on the side, so just comment back...if you want.
Here are a few things I have felt or the wives tales I have done...
I originaly thought I was having a boy.
The first 4-6 weeks, I would feel a little "green" but never really sick and I never vomitted.
Main thing I crave is potato like items - french fries, potato chips, mashed potatoes, actually anything in the potato category.
I am thirsty constantly, and can't drink my beloved Diet Coke anymore. I just don't have a taste for it now.
The chinese calendar said it was a boy (it was right with my two girls).
Before I had any children I did wedding ring test, and it predicted...girl, boy, girl. You may thing, well, that is not true, but it could mean living children. I have always wanted 3 kids.
I am tired a lot!
I don't have a lot to go on, but just wanted to see what others thought.
Friday, April 25, 2008
I saw Audrey for a few minutes and she was a little druggy, and about the be given more, so I left. She is doing fine though.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
This past Saturday was April 19th, a day that will always have such a emotional effect on me. I remember the events like they were yesterday. I remember what I wore to the doctor's office that day. I remember the tech telling us the baby was a girl. I remember the tech leaving the room for a minute and thinking, "that was odd." I remember being taken to a sitting room, not an exam room. I remember my doctor not even making it in the room before saying, "Honey, I looked at the ultrasound and it doesn't look good." I remember practically being carried out the back door of the office. I remember John calling my best friend, Patience and telling her to meet us at the house. I remember all the visitors that day. I remember crying myself to sleep.
Over the past year, I have thought, oh how am I going to feel on that day. Thankfully, I was occupied with the March for Babies which although I did think about Janey alot, I wasn't consumed with thoughts. The past few days, haven't been as easy. Yes, I probaby seem fine on the outside, but so many thoughts and emotions are going on inside, I can't seem to think about anything but Janey.
I wondered how I would ever get through those months carrying my daughter. I honestly couldn't imagine God being able to give me enough strength to get through it. And, being the faithful and powerful God that he is, he did. I am amazed sometimes at how I got out of bed knowing what was ahead. I have thought how can I do this, and I have actually compared myself to God in one sense. Although I had no choice to give Janey up or not, and he did, we still lost a child. I think about my pain and hurt and a few times just asked for God to take it away...everything, the pain, suffering...everything. And then later I would think...how selfish. No one took that pain away from God when he watched his ONLY son be beaten and nailed to a cross. And now, he watches us and goes through pain over and over when we hurt him.
My God is such an awesome God.
For me it is true that, " it gets easier with the years." It isn't always easy, but for me it has gotten easier. Not just to deal with and accept, but to talk about. I know for some, it takes years and some don't ever really "get over" losing a child. Who can blame them? No one. No one can ever know the pain unless they have been there.
But, my burden is easier because I know where she is and what I have to look forward to. If I ever had an doubt about trying to get to heaven, which I didn't, I have an extra incentive now.
I miss my little girl and sometimes feel robbed of my time with her. I know there was no way to change it, but it still doesn't change the fact that I wanted more time with her. Thankfully, I was able to do everything I wanted while she was with us. I have no regrets.
The marker at the bottom is the one that the funeral home placed after her funeral. My sister took this picture when she was home a few weeks ago. We haven't ordered her gravestone yet, simply because we just haven't. As a gift to us and Janey, some of our family will be taking care of the gravestone. I just have to figure out what to say on it. Wow, there is one for the conversation tables...
I was given a brochure of infant/child stones. I just don't want to have to do it. For me, that will be the one last thing that will make it official. The grass is already starting to cover the dirt where her grave is. I have been tempted to pick it off just because I know that it means that time is moving on. I have a huge lump in my throat when I think about really moving on. I don't want to forget her or any part of her short life.
There are so many wonderful things happening around us now, I am just torn between really enjoying this time and still mourning for my baby girl. I want to be so excited about the new baby, and deep down, I am. I am just still putting my heart back together and am afraid if I get it all back together I won't really miss her as much as I do now. This makes no sense, I am sure, but I WANT to miss her and cry for her and wish she was here. I am not trying to replace her, and I guess that is my real feeling. I also don't want others to think, well, she is happy, and Janey hasn't been gone but 9 months. How do I feel both of those emotions at the same time?
I know God will get me through, along with my family and friends. I know this has been a long post and if you are still reading...wow. Thank you for caring for me and Janey.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Today was the March. I was on the committee for our city so I was there this morning at 7 to help set up. It was very cloudy and I kept thinking, please don't let it rain. There were quite a few teams there and quite a few babies. I am sure that most of them had their own story to tell. We had about 8 ladies from our team and I also had my wonderful and supportive family there. I really wish I could tell you just how much my husband and parents support me. I am sure they could have found something better to do on an early Sat. morning, but, they were there to stand beside me on this huge day. Kayden was too, and she looked so cute in her little shirt. Right before the walk, it started raining. Being the troopers that we were, we pressed on. Actually, everyone pressed on. I don't think there were many who sat it out. The walk was over three miles and although my Dad and John thought it was a race and tried to be first, Mom and I brought up the middle somewhere. It had quit raining not long after we started and then started right when we finished. Everyone met inside the auditorium and they served lunch to all the walkers, teams, volunteers.
I was exhausted, so I slept for about two hours this afternoon. I am already brainstorming for next year...
I don't have many pictures, but I will get a team picture that I will post. I will post the few that I took soon, too.
I have been busy over the past few days and really have stopped and thought about this time of the year and where we were a year ago. I know if I let myself go there, I could be there a while. I really wanted to be strong today and not seem like a basket case, and I did.
I have been thinking so much about Janey lately, and I will write another post soon about some of my thoughts. And, feel free not to tune in. This is more for me and my personal dealings, but I don't mind sharing.
Today will always be a monumental day in my mind. But, today it was a good day.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
But, the kids aren't the only ones who had a good time. This was the first time since I have been home that the three of us have gotten together (we usually do it pretty often). We just enjoyed our kids and our conversation. I love these two girls so much. They have really helped me through the past year. I can't imagine trying to get through some of this stuff without them. Could I have made it...probably, but I know it wouldn't have been as easy. As juvenile as it sounds, these girls are two of my best friends. And have been for a long time. It makes me so happy to see our kids growing up together.
I didn't get any pictures of sweet Rowan. He was all over the place. Patience has to chase him everywhere. I am not sure how many times she pulled leaves or dirt out of his mouth. He is so cute and has the most adorable smile.
Well, that is the rundown. Enjoy the pictures!
Friday, April 04, 2008
She leaves and 2 min. later comes back and moves me to a room with a recliner and tells me a tech will be in to do a EKG. My mouth dropped open and I was speechless. I mean seriously people, listen to my chest and see if there is rumbling. Anyway, the EKG comes back fine...surprise, surprise! She then brings in a wheelchair and tells me to prepare to be there a while. She wheels me to a room and tells me a dr. will be in shortly. Mom tells me to get in the bed and I promptly remind her there is nothing wrong with me other thana cold!!!!!!!!!!! After about 15 min. a doctor comes and and goes over my EKG, and tells me he doesn't believe my chest pains are cardiac related!!!! REALLY?
He says everything sounds fine and blah, blah, blah can't give me an antibiotic b/c is it just not necessary at this point and tells me what to get. We were in/out within 2 hours...not bad for an ER visit.
Ok, all that to get to this. I start the cough medicine and the next day, I feel like a 2x4 to my head would feel better. I have been miserable the past three days. I did call my o.b. and she called me in a z-pack (hallelujah). I am already feeling better today.
My mom has been wonderful though. She has waited on me hand and foot and I really don't think she feels that good herself. She has been giving Kayden her baths, feeding her, taking over potty duty, and everything else that has just let me rest!
My mommy is the best. She never complains when she has to take care of us and help us out. I really can't thank her enough for all she has done. Terri has helped out too. She and Kayden have played outside, in the sand, in the mud and had a blast doing it. Thank you both for all your help.
Ok, quick change of subject...
this is my bargain of the week! I am such a bargain shopper. I usually don't buy things unless they are on sale or clearance. Call me cheap, I call me smart! Anyway, I have been wanting some of the brown mary jane crocs for a while. Ok, I am cheap and wont spend $30-40 on them. I found these at Bealls outlet for, are you ready...
$5.99! I was so excited about them.
Here is a bloom off of Janey's tree at my parents house. This month is a very big month for us when it comes to Janey. I would like to have her garden half way done before the 19th. The 19th is march for babies and also the exact day a year ago we found out about Janey's condition. See, big month. Anyway, more on that later.
have a great weekend!